Craquer

I snapped today. I mentioned previously that the kids have been becoming rowdier lately. It's only been about 6 weeks since they got back from vacation and luckily they're about to start a new one, cuz they are going insane.
Most of my classes went well today. The one morning class that gives me trouble each time without fail was more or less manageable. The first class after lunch, however, did me in. They're a group of 10/11 year olds and on Thursdays we split them in half (they're 31 all together, which is just insane) and one group stays with me while the other does some crap with their teacher in the computer lab. She coerced me, basically, into this system so that the kids would be more manageable and we could get more done. In fact, I think less gets one. First because I have to adapt my lesson plan to accommodate the fact that each student only attends 3/4 class periods. Next because even with just a door separating them their from their teacher, they are absolutely incorrigible. I don't know if they're just disrepectful or if I should have been meaner from the start (that strategy seems to work for their teacher, whom I really disliked in the beginning of the year), but I get the impression that they physically can't shut up. Each time I would tell them to be quiet, their would be this student with some comment, these two students carrying on their conversation. It is a strange phenomenon with these French kids, but they cannot whisper for the life of them. Honestly. Or maybe they don't have any desire to. Either way, there is a constant rumbling of low voices underscoring every word I say. It is unnerving. Anyway, after screaming at the top of my lungs, in French about three times, for them to shut up...still, the comments. No matter how many times I said, in French, "you have no reason to say a single word right now, be quiet," they just couldn't. What's worse is that the exercises we were doing were all listening, and of course they weren't, and then they'd freak out and talk more when they realized they weren't following the exercise. By the time I'd got through one single exercise, which was four questions and took half an hour, I was so frustrated that I didn't even want to try to continue. The teacher had already come in a few times to shut them up, all unsuccessful. I thought about giving them something to write, or doling out punishments (which the kids always tell me to do). But I can't really punish them aside from sending them out or telling the teacher. So I did one better -- I said, "let's go," and took them all back to their teacher. I told them I was done and they couldn't shut up and we didn't nothing, so I was leaving. I'm sure they were shocked, so good. They'll get new assholes ripped for them and I'll finally be an authority figure.
I'm kind of smug about the whole thing now, but at the time...I immediately went downstairs, dropped my shit, and went into the bathroom to cry. When I get pissed off, I yell. And then when yelling doesn't work, I turn into myself at 7 years old, when kids could look at me wrong and I'd burst into tears. So I crouched against the wall, paper towel in hand to keep the make up stains at bay, and I let it out. On top of being menstrual, school, the impending doom of a meeting tomorrow morning, getting over the flu, exhaustion, all of it -- on top of that, these kids just infuriatingly refusing to shut the fuck up was the proverbial straw. After a couple minutes, I checked myself in the mirror, drank some water, and went back to the trenches to kick of class 5 out of 6. Unfortunately the office helper guy heard me crying in the bathroom and wanted to make sure I was okay. He kept saying, "It's okay?" in English, which was very nice. Unfortunately I may never be able to look him in the eye again. Class #5 went well, but then class #6 was a problem. Half the class was on a trip to the Louvre, so really I only had about 12 students and they are the smartest, most well-behaved 8 year olds on the planet. Truly, they remembered everything they learned last time and immediately picked up what I taught them this time. Unfortunately one little girl, Laurène (haha), was having a little attitude problem. She seems a little ADHD to me but I think she has angst against her parents or something. She told me she wasn't excited for vacation cuz she has to spend the whole time in the school daycare. Man, I feel her. That's where I spent all of my school vacations, too. Anyway, for whatever reason the girls sitting behind her pissed her off so much that she got up and walked out. I found her sitting on the hallway floor crying and I just felt so bad cuz she was me. So I told her to breathe and that if she could just make it through 10 minutes more of class, the day would be over. So she got up and went back. Job well done. I might be a shitty authority figure, but I am an excellent babysitter, and I know how to make kids happy.
Naturally I stewed the whole train ride home, partially because of the kids and partially because I'm practicing my defenses in the case the meeting tomorrow morning gets hostile. For one thing, the job offer I was given said that I would be the assistant English teacher. That's to say I would consult and assist a real teacher. This has not and will never happen. I have ZERO teacher training and I am on my fucking won. I barely have teaching methods to follow. I create all of my lesson plans and make up all of the conversation activities. The job offer also said I'd be teaching a CONVERSATION class, but surprise!, 8 year olds aren't conversational in English. And there were only supposed to be 12 of them at a time. I have anywhere from 24 - 31. Plus I have to commute an hour each direction to get there. These people have FUCKED me so many times over that for them to complain about one thing I've done incorrectly is completely unjustified. And that's what I will say if they try to scold me tomorrow. Stay tuned for that update.